love and hate are the same thing [poetry]

I hate myself for still missing you

for clinging to the ghost of your earthy voice

resonant and warm in my ear

your solid chest behind me, arms around me

your words fading like smoke

as the night passes into fevered oblivion

I hate how I remember you

lovingly and then with hot, boiling rage

your black eyes like the depths of a nighttime ocean

your mouth cool and sweet

tasting faintly of wine

strongly of desire, yours, mine

I hate how I want you

how I yearn for you

for your warmth alongside me

your weight filling the sheets

your hands playing invisible rhapsodies

on trusting skin

I hate how I see you in everything

your dark hair in purling curves of polished mahogany

your spry step in the sway of awakening trees

your lips in the gentle kiss of rain and wind

I hate how I miss the taste of you

your scent in the empty air

full, ripe, exquisite

an invitation for hunger

hunger that you could fulfill perfectly

I hate how your laughter haunts me

pealing into sunlight like a playful predator

talons free, reaching for clouded memories

the way your large, strong hands held my hips

as we laughed together

sun spinning overhead

a shower of golden stardust and hot wind

I can still taste you under my tongue

no longer sweet but bitter

and the memory of you, your heat

sears me inside

until my spine twists and breaks

each bone, each muscle cries for you

for you to hold us again

to put back the broken pieces

and most of all I hate that I can’t forget

can’t live

this is stronger than I will ever be

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